Are You Two Close, or Overly Dependent?

The word ‘codependent’ gets tossed around a lot. It has for many years. Scores of books have been written. But the word, I’ve found, carries more than a whiff of judgement sometimes. Relationships heal, and it’s a tenet of contemporary therapy that the state of your relationship between yourself, others, and the world is an important marker of health. If you decide to seek couples therapy with me, this is something you’ll hear me say at some point.

 What’s my problem with the word ‘codependent’? I’ve seen it prompt extreme and harsh self-criticism by and about people who are suffering deeply. We humanoids are pack animals. Most of us aren’t wired to be alone, certainly not for the long haul. Striving for togetherness is natural and normal, whether with a partner, hand-picked tribe, or extended family.

For the purposes of this discussion, I’ll use ‘overly dependent’ instead of ‘codependent.’ And I’d like to offer some food for thought to help you figure out the difference between close and overly dependent.

Do you enjoy spending time by yourself?

Feeling sad, bereft, and maybe even briefly at sea when your partner or best friend leaves for a 10-day business trip is natural. That in and of itself isn’t overly dependent. But if that feeling causes great pain, and if the significant other’s absence is preventing you from enjoying yourself—including pursuing fun things to do and time with people you like—it might be good to explore this in relationship counseling. For example, if you have a sneaking fear that you’re living too much for the person who left and not enough for yourself, you could be in an overly dependent relationship.

 Do you feel the urge to remedy your partner’s challenges?

In any relationship, each party has strengths and shortcomings. Our natural impulse is to help. But if you find yourself rushing in without asking if the other person needs or wants your help or charging to the rescue without any thought to what your own needs might be, it’s time to think again. If you assume you’re supposed to heal your partner’s depression, soothe your best friend’s obsessive-compulsive tendencies, or be the confidante your parent never had, an overly dependent dynamic could be at issue. 

On the other hand, I know a couple, both smart and gifted, where one partner is The Fix-It Person, while the other barely knows his way around a toolbox. One was single for a long time and learned early on how to repair things herself. It’s a trait that she’s immensely proud of, and it took her some time to relax into being with someone else before she realized that it was okay to rely on her partner, something she learned in relationship therapy.

The other partner—who can’t tell an Allen wrench from an awl—spent childhood and early adulthood living in apartment buildings where calling the super is how things were done. Turns out he’s a nimble negotiator with landlords, contractors, and repair people, an event that causes her to freeze up. So, she teaches him about fixing things and he teaches her about strategic ways to bargain. 

Are you able to speak up about your own needs?

 Does asking for what you need feel anxiety-provoking? Do you find yourself caving by default to a partner’s insistences, with hurt and anger an increasingly common occurrence? On the other hand, can you recognize when it’s time to stand back and take a breath and a time out, if needed, when the other’s needs appear to be a priority, even though you were hoping what you wanted would get addressed at that moment? That last one can be especially tough.

 Take a minute to figure out what’s motivating your needs, choices, and requests as they relate to the others in your life. If those desires and decisions are being solely and rigidly driven by the wants someone else, it might be time to take a look at why that’s happening.

Do you expect your significant other to fix all your hurts?

Relationships can heal, and they can even address deficits we may have experienced in childhood. But asking someone to be the sun, moon, and stars who can make everything better all the time—or being that sun, moon, and stars for someone else—is a very heavy lift. Sometimes these expectations are unspoken ones. This is something that couples counseling can help you address.

Do you have close friends outside the relationship?

Here’s an important one. While you may prefer your partner’s company to that of many others, it’s essential to have relationships outside what you consider to be your primary one. This one can be especially tricky if you’ve been out there dating for a long time and have finally found your person. But maintaining a life outside your relationship is better for you, the relationship, and your partner.

 If you notice that you don’t have many friend-dates on the calendar, consider changing that. If you’re feeling isolated, have a think about cultivating friendships in new ways. If your partner gets possessive when you spend time out with your friends, it’s time to have a talk. Couples therapy can be a safe and helpful place to do just that.  

Are you and your significant other struggling with tensions? Call or text me at 213-807-6021. Let’s talk about how relationship therapy can help.

  Photo: Albert Rafael/pexels