Looking For a Therapist? Read This First.

A friend wrote a memoir about therapy and therapists (see References, below). Joan isn’t a therapist—she’s a longtime college professor—but the wisdom she has accrued over years of writing, studying, thinking, teaching, and therapy make for rewarding reading. Recently, she and I had a conversation about how to find the right therapist.

We didn’t talk about a checklist or how to verify credentials. We talked about the act of shopping for a therapist: her experience; my experience; what I see going on for patients; and what goes on for me. Joan blogged about our conversation, and there’s info on that, too, in the References section at the end of this blog.

Shopping around is sensible.

Growing up, Joan learned the necessity of comparison-shopping. Many of us have, whether it’s for an electric toothbrush, running shoes, or a sofa. In looking back at her own experience, Joan first realized that she was applying the comparison-shopping principle when she was looking for a better therapy experience than the previous unsatisfying one. She learned that she had power over her decision when it came to choosing a therapist. She realized that relying on chance wasn’t the best strategy and that trusting her instincts was. The search taught Joan a lot. She discovered the qualities she was seeking most in a therapist (see: warmth and confidence). She became clear about the ones she wasn’t as concerned about (see: similar age, background, style of dress). She found out that looking for a therapist  who was right for her was, in fact, part of the therapy.

It’s okay to take your time.  

Joan and I talked about what it’s like to interview therapists who seemed nice, compassionate, smart…and yet, not quite a fit. We learned that we each had given ourselves time, and that for both of us, it had taken some hard looking to find The One. I’d like to add here that if you’re looking for a therapist because the one you had has died, fallen ill, or closed the practice suddenly, it’s especially important not to rush. Consider getting interim support, especially if you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, while you get your bearings, work through the shock, and start to contemplate looking. And when you do start looking, talk to those you interview about the loss you’ve just experienced.

A consultation is mutual.

Joan asked thought-provoking questions about what it’s like for me when potential new patients come in for a consultation. Perhaps you’ve already had the experience of checking a therapist out and seeing how you feel in the room, on the phone, or on Zoom with them. If so, here’s something that might surprise you. The therapist is checking you out, too. They’re closely monitoring what’s going on with them when they’re talking with a prospective new patient.

I can’t speak for my colleagues, but I’ve noticed that for me, a common feeling is esteem for the person I’m sitting with. It’s an act of courage and an extension of trust to come see someone you don’t know and talk about intimate aspects of your life, much less contemplate a new relationship with that person. The question I most want to ask a new person who comes to see me—and do ask—is, what brings you here today? Why therapy, and why now? The questions I most ask myself are, can I help this person? How are we doing together, right here and right now?

Acknowledge that you’re looking.

Here’s something else that might surprise you: It’s okay to tell the therapist you’re consulting with that you’re talking to other therapists. I think there’s this idea that it’s somehow rude to disclose this; as if it’s bad etiquette. On the contrary—it’s a good means of looking after yourself. It’s a good idea to say you’re looking for therapy for depression, or whatever else it might be. The first consultation should be considered a mutual assessment. It’s absolutely reasonable to be on the lookout for a feeling of mutual curiosity and interest. It’s a good sign if you’d like to know more about who that prospective therapist is as a person. It means there might be good chemistry between you. That’s essential for any relationship.  

Be open to the unexpected.

The therapist that Joan ended up with didn’t, on the face of it, seem like the kind of person she’d click with. Except she did. The therapist took Joan to the places she hadn’t yet been and didn’t know she needed to go, with extraordinary care and deep intelligence. By being open to the unexpected, Joan ended up in a healing alliance rich enough to write a book about.

As with shopping, sometimes you hit it on the first try, and sometimes not. One friend, after the retirement of his longtime therapist, assumed it would take forever to find another. He struggles on and off with depression and decided to take a chance on a recommendation from someone he barely knew. My friend made the phone call, had an initial talk, was a little surprised by the nasal sound of the therapist’s voice on the phone, and decided to forge ahead anyway. Soon after the in-person meeting began, he realized he was feeling comfortable and was enjoying talking. He had the feeling that he wanted this therapist to know him, and that he wanted to know the therapist. My friend has been with that therapist for more than five years now and is looking forward to many more.

Are you struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, and feeling down? Call or text me at 213-8807-6021. Let’s talk about how therapy for depression can help.

References

Ekstein, R. (1972). The Teaching and Learning of Psychotherapy. Basic Books, New York.  

Peters, J. K. (2026, June 7). Finding Dr. Right: The First Step to Effective Therapy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/transformative/202606/finding-dr-right-the-first-step-to-effective-therapy

Peters, J. K. (2025) Untangling: A Memoir of Psychoanalysis. Rowman & Littlefield, New York.