Learning to Lean on Others

When you’re grieving something that has been lost or changed—a parent, a partner, a pet, a home, or your health, to name a few—your feelings may be rapidly shifting. It can be tough to identify what it is you need or want on any given day or hour. Getting therapy for grief is a brave and meaningful step.

Leaning on those you love and letting them love you back is another crucial element of moving through grief. You may have many in your life who mean well, but not everyone may be able to offer the exact type of support that you need. Some say what feels like the wrong thing, or they fumble uncomfortably in the face of sorrow. Yet others have a rare and special knack for knowing when to speak, when to stay silent, and how to listen.  

There’s no way to control the actions of others and not everyone can offer words that hit the spot. So, one way to take care of yourself as you work through the anguish of grief and loss is to understand what works for you, what doesn’t, and what might surprise you. Increased knowledge of yourself can in turn make it easier to get the support you need from others.

Respect for where you are.

One of the most important jobs of a grief counselor is to help you come to terms with your own experience. Ideally, there are others in your life who can support you in that endeavor. Rather than feeling like they have to do something or show you how to look on the bright side, someone who knows how to just listen and not talk you out of your feelings can be helpful, not to mention healing.

Comfort from silence.

Having someone simply sit with you, walk with you, or stay on the phone in silence while you cry isn’t wallowing. It can be another important means of working through. How many people do you know who are truly capable of not doing very much at all except just being there, existing along with you in quietude?

Asking for reassurance.

While being joined where you are is crucial, so is being able to envision what going forward might look like. Counseling for grief is useful is useful here, too. If you’re at the point in your grief trajectory where you’d like to hear how others have navigated the path and how they gained hope, ask for it. Many people are understandably cautious about offering such input if it hasn’t been expressly requested. It’s not just okay to request it, it’s good practice to ask for help envisioning hope.

Specific offers of help.

Some find it reassuring to hear someone say “If there’s anything I can do…” Others find that open-ended lack of specificity quite frustrating. This can be especially true if you or someone else has been knocked sideways by loss. Sometimes the best strategy for offering help—or asking for it yourself—is precision. A quart of soup, help with errands, taking the kids for an afternoon, or making phone calls are practical ways of offering support that someone in the throes of grief may be too destabilized to think about.

Support from unlikely sources.

Generous acts can come from all sorts of places. Maybe it’s a hug from someone who you haven’t known to be especially huggy. Perhaps it’s a pearl of insight that sustains and stays with you long after the grief has lost its sharp edge. When my father died, someone I had recently met sent a condolence note filled with compassion and perceptiveness. “The death of a parent,” she wrote, “divides life into a before and after that’s unlike anything else.” I hadn’t ever thought about it like that. She joined me in my sadness and gave me a new lens through which to look at my experience.

Do you need support in working through grief? Call or text me at 213-807-6021. Let’s talk about how grief counseling can help.