Why Low Self-Esteem Can Be So Persistent

If you’re struggling with depression, you’ve probably battled feelings of being less-than. Whether you’re new to therapy or have been in treatment before, you’ve probably noticed how stubborn that feeling of less-than can be. Treatment for depression can offer support, insight, and a way forward.

Feelings of not being good enough are recurring because they’re embedded deep in your psyche. Despite using your best logic or the most compassionate affirmations, it can often be that what you’re battling just won’t quit. That’s because over time, those thoughts have become a well-worn path that’s as familiar as an old shoe.

Familiar self-protection

The reasons for the persistence of bad self-esteem sound counterintuitive. Why should toxicity toward yourself be so reflexive? Why should affirming your own badness become so comfortable? Because it’s a way of being that you learned long ago as a means of protecting yourself. We learn in childhood that esteeming others is important. But before those valuable lessons take hold, there’s a stage of healthy grandiosity that has to take place, and it’s in the name of our own self-esteem.

Early models and their power

The early models in our lives have a powerful influence. Perhaps a parent trained you early on to look after them, rather than their looking after you. Feeling as important as that parent may have been threatening to them, and thus to you. Maybe it was a sibling who bullied you. Being more powerful than that sibling may have made you feel vulnerable to more bullying. The roots might be the ldemands of perfection from someone else. What if questioning their authority made you like less of a star in their eyes? Last but not least, it may have been the circumstance you grew up in—being given an enduring message of not belonging to a group, a culture, or a place. Depression therapy is a good means of exploring all this.

The value of mirroring

For most of us, memories of early childhood aren’t easy to access. An important part of early life is mirroring, where a child has the experience of seeing itself in mother’s gaze. If we didn’t have that, our early experience was of being unable to reach the person we loved most. If that happened, the first place we went was wondering what was wrong with us (not with them).

There’s a saying in family therapy: No two kids have the same parent. A friend once recalled bringing up a painful childhood with his brother and getting a reaction of surprise. My friend’s brother remembers a completely different childhood. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect childhood. But there is what’s known as good-enough parenting, which walks the line between too-much and not-enough.

Insight and action

Treatment for depression offers a safe, judgement-free place to explore your feelings and what’s at the root. As you gain insight, you can start to manage negative emotions. Over time, the negativity can start to be modulated. As you begin to take in the work of therapy, you’ll learn more about positive coping and ways to bolster your self that work specifically for you.

If you’d like to  know more about therapy for depression, call or text me at 213-807-6021.

References

Kohut, H. ( 1977). The Restoration of the Self. International Universities Press, New York.
Winnicott, D.W. (1951). Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena, in Buckley (Ed.). Essential Papers on Object Relations. New York University Press, New York, 1986.
Winnicott, D.W. (1971). Mirror-Role of Mother and Family in Child Development, in Playing and Reality. Tavistock Publications, London.
(Photo: Johannes Plenio)