How to Fight Productively
It’s been happening more and more; you get into an argument with your partner or another family member. Whether it’s the same issue or a brand new one, the heat is rising because you’re not hearing each other.
One of the things that conjoint therapy does is to help you learn how to fight well. Wait, what? How can such a painful thing as an argument with someone you love even be productive?
But with some ground rules, you and the person you’re fighting with can end up learning how to hear each other better.
Before you start talking, check in…with yourself.
Are you angry that your partner interrupted you during tonight’s supper with friends? Was it this a one-time thing, or is it part of a larger issue about a power imbalance?
Stick to the issue at hand.
Stay in the moment. Refrain from bringing in every other example you can think of as ammunition, such as, “You never let me finish,” or “And last week when you wouldn’t stop banging on about how terrible your boss is…”
No name-calling.
Talk about the problem, not the person. Using demeaning language is a way of acting out, rather than addressing painful feelings. The person at whom you just hurled a nasty name can never unhear it.
No raised voices.
Yelling is just another way of acting out, and it only escalates things.
Use “self” language to express feelings.
“You interrupt me all the time and you’re a selfish braggart,” is combative, and insulting. “I’m upset about how you talked over me tonight, and I’m really hurt,” gets right to the point and steers clear of accusation.
No stonewalling.
It can be tempting to crawl into yourself, give the silent treatment, and avoid communicating. Sure, it avoids an argument. But the hurt remains because stonewalling is an act of abandonment. If you feel like you can’t control your temper, ask for a time out, and set a limit, as in, “I need to go for a walk. Can be together again in half an hour to pick up on this?”
Each person gets a turn.
In the heat of the moment, it can be really hard not to interrupt. Both of you need to time say your part. Set a timer if you need help sticking to a time boundary—and be sure you’re listening to the other person.
Use reflective listening.
Instead of getting to your part right away, try to listen and reflect back what you think is being said. “So what you’re saying is that you’d really like it if I texted to let you know when I’m going to be late.”
If you feel stuck, say so.
Sometimes a fight can be so upsetting that all these techniques go right out the window. When that happens, be transparent about what’s happening for you, even if it’s just, “I’m so upset I feel like my head is about to explode. I don’t even know what to tell you.”
Try to reach an understanding.
This is another hard one; compromise means give and take. Agreeing to disagree can help ease bad feelings. You might not come to a solution, but you can at least have a cease-fire. The problem with going to sleep angry is that it can result in a painful emotional hangover.
Steer clear of ‘always’ and ‘never.’
These words are over-generalizing. Using them is a power move that’s bound to amp up a fight.
If you and someone you love need help with communicating better, call or text me at 213-807-6021 to talk about couples’ therapy.
References
Scharff, D.E. & Scharff, J.S., eds. (2014). Psychoanalytic Couple Therapy. Routledge; London and New York.
Therapistaid.com. (2014). Fair Fighting Rules.
(Photo: Toa Heftiba @Unsplash)