Maintaining Friendships Through Life Changes
In the novel Good Company, author Kate Christensen tells the tale of Julia, a writer who attends a literary conference to promote her latest book, a memoir. Many lovers, friends and ex-friends of Julia’s show up in the story, which weaves past and present together. The book looks at bonds ruptured, bonds maintained, and the many life transitions that Julia has been through. Christensen isn’t just a great raconteuse, she’s a deft and honest observer of bad behavior, forgiveness, and how friendships can change and even be reinvented.
Friendships can change over time
As we go through different stages of life, so do our friendships. Some friendships endure. Others don’t. I’ve noticed two features common to resilient friendships: 1/ Each friend has gone through profound changes over time 2/ Both friends have been accepting of those changes.
Some people crave an intense friendship that meets all their needs. That pull can be strong, especially if you’ve been traumatized by parents who were consistently inattentive or insufficiently attuned. In the beginning of an especially intense friendship, it can seem as if this person is the psychic twin who knows you better than you know yourself. “We are one,” you might think. But as differences arise, such friendships can crash and burn under the weight of expectation and disappointment. That loss can be crushing for a number of reasons. It’s something that life transitions counseling can help you make sense of.
Different friendships for different needs
I don’t mean to make the case that everyone should have enough friends to fill an auditorium. Many of us have something in between; a varied complement of friendships. That variety of friends is usually made up of friends who speak to different parts of ourselves.
One person I know (I’ll call her Tess) fits that description. She has a friend of longstanding with whom she keeps in regular touch. Another of her friends (someone from 5th grade) is someone with whom she’s in less regular contact. When the two do talk, it’s as if they never left off. With two friends, Tess meets for lunch, sometimes with someone else joining. With still another pal, Tess goes on long walks. They talk (a lot), but not often about personal things. Why? Because Tess knows her hiking friend to be a private person. What’s more, she doesn’t take it personally. She values this friendship for what it offers—time in nature, new ideas to mull over, stimulating conversation with a really interesting person.
One more thing about Tess? She keeps making new friends.
The pain of a friend breakup
Perhaps you’ve had the experience of breaking up with a friend. It’s painful—sometimes even more than a romantic breakup, because that friend felt like a sibling; part of your hand-chosen tribe. Maybe the breakup was the result of a major hurt or betrayal. Amends seemed out of reach. But other times, I see people “firing” their friends because of a series of slights, disappointments, minor disagreements—or values no longer in synch with their own. Likely it was the result of change that went unrecognized.
Friendships transform over time. Making sense of such transformations is another thing that life transitions counseling can help with. All of us change over time, and this is a good thing. And change in and of itself isn’t necessarily a reason to fire a friend.
Expecting a friend to be everything
“I’ll be your mirror/reflect what you are/in case you don’t know,” goes the Velvet Underground song. “I’ll be the wind, the rain, and the sunset/The light on your door to show that you’re home.” The song has to be one of the best love songs ever written. Some friends are like that. They’re rare.
Recently I heard an interview in which a musician was talking about his life, work, and relationships. He recalled a fiercely beloved childhood friend who had been like a brother. The two hadn’t seen each other in a very long while. What happened? the interviewer asked. The guitarist explained that their lives, intertwined for years, made it such that they had less in common than they used to. “But there’s no way I’m letting him go,” the musician added. “He knows things about me that no one else ever will.”
If you’re struggling with the loss of a friendship or changes in relationships, call or text 213-807-6021 to find out more about counseling for life transitions.
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