What a therapist is—and isn't

An acquaintance once told me he had gone to three sessions of therapy and decided it was all the therapy he needed. This man and his therapist then became friends, a relationship that lasted longer than the therapy. I suspect my acquaintance was more in need of anxiety therapy than he was willing to admit but didn’t have interest in getting to the root of it.

I’ve heard other stories like this. They make me wonder why the therapy didn’t get a chance. Often, I think, it’s because the boundaries unique to treatment weren’t made clear at the outset. Anxiety (overt or unconscious) about being in therapy resulted.

A therapist is more—and less—than a friend. Not someone you go to a bar with. Not someone you meet for coffee or lunch. On the other hand, a therapist can often see things in you that no one else does.

Someone who accepts of all of you—and isn’t your friend

Do you know the song “Make You Feel My Love”? It’s by Bob Dylan, but others have covered it (“When the rain is blowing in your face / And the whole world is on your case / I could offer you a warm embrace / To make you feel my love…”).

Sure, it’s a love song. But the lyrics describe the kind of unconditional acceptance that therapists are trained to offer. The ‘warm embrace’ is what we give with words—not hugs. The ‘love’ is a lack of judgement that’s different than what friends offer. The love offered by a therapist, including an anxiety therapist, has very specific boundaries.

Guardrails that liberate

Unconditional acceptance. Much more about you. Much less about the therapist. Long silences. Appointments at the same time each week. Sessions with a precise duration. Therapy offers the freedom to say everything. That freedom can be anxiety-provoking. Specific guardrails exist to push against anxiety and free you to focus on yourself.

Recently, a colleague described working with a beloved therapist who died years ago. At first, his steady gaze and silence unnerved her. “Why do you say nothing at the start of our sessions?” she once asked him. “Because this isn’t a social relationship,” he said. “Niceties be damned! You’re here to say everything.”

Your therapist is your ally

Some people need a few minutes of light patter before they get down to saying everything. That conversational warm-up is meaningful too; it’s part of the session. If you’re seeking treatment for anxiety, it can be especially calming.

It’s a therapist’s job to do their best to understand you. The drive for understanding comes from a genuine wish to know you; to find out as much about you as you want to tell. (If you sense your therapist isn’t curious, it’s time to talk about that.)

It’s a therapist’s job to be your ally. That’s not the same as agreeing with everything you say, and it may prompt big feelings. It’s therapist’s job to accept you not in spite of your intense feelings, but because of them. Why? Because your strong feelings offer valuable information about what’s happening in the treatment.

A relationship like no other

Therapy for anxiety has specific boundaries and constraints. It’s a relationship unlike any other. If treatment is going well, you’ll feel increasingly free to say everything, and your emotions will burn brightly. There’s an intimacy to having someone witness to those intense feelings without judgement. I find it to be one of the greatest honors of doing this work. In most other relationships, there are many things we can’t or shouldn’t say. In therapy, the goal is to say it all.

Chemistry is key

I’ve just gone on about how therapy isn’t friendship. But chemistry between you and your therapist is essential. In this way, therapy is similar to friendship, partnership, or relationship. That flicker of recognition, respect, kindness, and mutual interest can be the beginning of something remarkable and healing.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, work with an anxiety therapist can go a long way. Give a call or text at 213-807-6021. Let’s talk about how I can help.   

(Photo: Vitaly Gariev/Pexels)