Trauma and Taking in Kindness
You’re going through a rough time, and a friend texts late in the evening. “Hey,” the text might say. “Just checking in on you.” You tell yourself you’ll get back to your friend in a day or two. Or maybe you delete the text entirely. You’re so overcome that you’re frozen, or just feel like pushing it all away.
Why does trauma make taking in kindness so hard? Because when we’re traumatized, our mind cuts us off from the very things that we look to as a means of feeling better and connected to others. Trauma therapy can help you make sense of the disconnect.
A single happening, or events over time
Trauma refers to a broad spectrum. There can be a traumatic event, such as experiencing or being witness to war, violation, violence, disaster, or loss. There can be repeated events over the long term that result in trauma, such as continual neglect, violation, aggression, or systemic injustice. If you’ve been carrying your trauma around for a long while, you’re left to wrestle with a mix of shame, anger, and confusion that makes it hard to take in good things. It may be causing you to shut out people and experiences you once cared about deeply.
Making sense of suffering
Sometimes taking the first step to seek therapy seems like too much because you’re afraid the suffering will never go away. Sometimes it’s an actual act of kindness, rather than one of violence or aggression, that brings all this up. And once you once you start to get more in touch with what’s beneath the surface, the fear might be that those intense feelings will never go away. Therapy for trauma helps make sense of what’s overwhelming you.
Needing makes us human
When someone reaches out to help you, they may sense that you’re in need. Acknowledging need can be too much, and the instinct is to push it all away. It makes us feel even more fragile. Admitting that you can’t muscle through by yourself can be hardest of all, especially if you’ve been going it alone. Accepting our vulnerability means admitting that we’re human.
Feeling safe is essential for us all
Defenses are very useful things. Every one of us needs them: When we feel threatened, we need protection. When you protect yourself, you’re defending a hurt part. Treatment for trauma allows you to explore the hurt parts—slowly, safely, and at a pace that’s right for you.
It’s not the work of therapy to rip away defenses. Quite the contrary. Part of the work of therapy is to get better acquainted with your defenses and their function. Chances are you’ll learn that there’s a darn good reason those defenses exist. They’re how you learned to keep yourself knit together and feeling safe in the world.
The importance of self-protection
One of my best teachers once told me that therapy isn’t supposed to remove defenses—it’s meant to help us trade up to better ones.
So, what does trading up mean in this case? Let’s say you’re coping with pain and distress by sleeping most of the day. The sleep may be serving multiple functions. But what if you could talk about that need to sleep with someone who has no agenda but to understand you? What if you found, gradually, that you’re wanting fewer naps and a bit more listening to music, being outdoors, reading spy novels, or hanging out with loved ones?
Feeling safe with a therapist you trust is the way you’ll be able to make good use of therapy for trauma. Therapy helps you gain insight, integrate that insight into your life, and make regular, long-term use of it. Put another way, trauma therapy offers the chance to learn and transform that learning to knowing.
If you’d like to know more about trauma therapy, call or text me at 213-807-6021. Let’s talk about how I can help.
References
Bion, W. (1959). Attacks on Linking. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 2013 Volume 82, No. 2.
Rozentsvit, I. ( 2026, 29 August). The Beholder’s Mind: From Childhood Adversity to Personality Organization and Aging [webinar]. Object Relations Institute, https://orinyc.org/
(Photo: kaboompics/pexels)